December 29th: New Year Approaches

Hello,

I will give you full warning that this post is going to be as cliché as you think. It is going to be a ‘new year, new me’ story, mainly because it is one hundred percent true. It has to be for my own health. I am talking emotionally and physically.

I won’t lie that while I write this I am drinking a hot chocolate and eating chocolate while watching ‘Finding Dory’. In my defence, it isn’t quite the new year yet.

It occurred to me during my last visit to the doctors that my weight is a huge issue. I have never looked in the mirror and thought I was Victoria Beckham, but it hit me that I was practically a walking heart attack. Or at least that is how it felt. I hate going to the doctors for this reason so my anxiety goes through the roof. This also happens overtime I go to work, I need ten minutes sat in my car before I dare walk through the door, because I cannot begin to imagine what people think when they look at me. If anything it probably doesn’t even bother or concern them but still I think they are vomiting internally.

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BA(Hons) Creative Writing Graduate. 25th November.

This also occurred looking back at my graduation photos. I was really proud of myself that day and I had the best day ever (no exaggeration) because all my parents and Adam were there together. We had food and drinks, I got bought some presents and we had a good time. It was only on reflection that I wish I hadn’t wore that dress and that I looked like a huge black blob.

In the first week of December me and my fiancé Adam went to Leeds for an overnight stay. It was mainly to spend birthday money and christmas shop, but it had also been our five year anniversary on the eleventh of December. I loved it and the shopping is incredible. However, after five hours walking round in my skinny jeans, my thighs were rubbing and I was really uncomfortable plus feeling embarrassed. I had to go to Primark and buy a cheap dress and leggings to ensure I was comfortable to next day. I had only packed a change of pants and t-shirt in a backpack, we didn’t fancy carrying a suitcase with us all day after we checked out the hotel. This got me seriously considering why I continued to be this person. The one constantly pulling her jeans up or shying away from jeans due to the discomfort.

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Me and Adam in Trinity Leeds. 16th December.

I had messaged somebody who I knew from being a teenager, through on old best friend of mine, to see what the gym she worked at was like. I had done this in the beginning of the year, so I messaged her again last week to ask her what I needed to do to get started. However, I am now officially committing to the gym, a class a week and a personal trainer. I am weirdly excited as well as terrified.

Apparently realising you need to go is taking the first step. It seemed a pretty easy step…at least at the minute it does. The minute you take away my gingerbread lattes and cinnamon buns; I may tell you different. I am hoping that this will allow me to change not only my non existent excerise routines, but the way I eat and the way I think about eating.

So tomorrow I officially start my gym membership, also has a free joining fee this month which is good. After watching Star Wars Rogue One yesterday with my fiancé and dad, I nipped across to Sainsburys and picked up some gym wear from the sale. I am currently scrolling down endless websites to find a suitable sports bra suitable for my boobs. A hard task for the larger lady.

So I guess, this is it for now. I have downloaded the Lifesum app back on my phone, ready to track my next steps concerning food. All I hope is that this time I do it and this time I will stick to it. I really need to and I think that it is now or never. I can now get the full benefit from my Apple watch which will also be cool. I keep looking at the positives.

thanks for reading, hope you stick with me,

Holly x

This month I’m currently:

Watching: Gilmore Girls: A Year in the life and Dexter

Reading: Nothing at present.

Doing: Trying to find sports stuff online
for my gym adventure.

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